Invisible Trauma

I had a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food to eat – even toys and family vacations. My childhood was good, so I don’t know why I always feel like I’m doing something wrong and that I’m not good enough. Why do I feel like an imposter as a parent and/or a professional? There must be something wrong with me! No one really gets me and I almost always feel alone.

Research consistently shows that individuals who grew up with their physical needs met but whose emotional experiences were overlooked often develop chronic self‑doubt, shame, and feelings of inadequacy in adulthood (Norman et al., 2012; Kim & Cicchetti, 2010).

If any of the above resonates with you – you may have had experiences growing up where people and things were present and available, but that your feelings and inner world were missed or diminished and maybe even altered by the people who raised you. This does not mean that your childhood wasn’t “good” or that anyone is to blame – however it might be the reason that you currently struggle with a strong sense of worth, identifying and expressing how you feel and what you want, and in feeling secure in your relationship(s). Studies show that emotional attunement — the caregiver’s ability to notice and respond to a child’s internal world — is a core predictor of healthy self‑worth and emotional regulation later in life (Khoury et al., 2025; Pechtel & Pizzagalli, 2011). A lack of attunement and emotional validation and care in childhood often results in a low sense of worth and an overall distrust that we are acceptable on any given day.

Emotional neglect refers to the ongoing experience within a relationship (often beginning in childhood) whereby your internal emotional experiences and world were dismissed or responded to with frustration, anger and annoyance. Emotional neglect differs from emotional abuse in that neglect is about what isn’t happening and abuse is about what is happening. This can make it particularly difficult to recognize and identify, because on the surface – nothing problematic seems to be happening! Emotional neglect is defined by absence rather than events, research shows it is one of the most under‑recognized forms of childhood trauma, despite being strongly linked to adult depression, anxiety, and relational difficulties (Infurna et al., 2026; Widom et al., 2018).

Not until adulthood do individuals that have experienced emotional neglect generally start to recognize and become frustrated with their own behaviours, tendencies and emotional experiences that can lead to and maintain relationship challenges. We often notice this the most within intimate partnerships and in raising children. It can be very confusing and overwhelming as to why we keep struggling with our own feelings and with vulnerability in relationships. Attachment research demonstrates that emotional neglect strongly predicts insecure attachment patterns, which often emerge most clearly in adult romantic relationships and parenting (Kim & Cicchetti, 2010). Due to the lack of recognition and understanding about what is going on inside of and the absence of any obvious event that may have caused a problem, it can really begin to feel hopeless that anything will ever improve. The more we struggle, the more the belief that we simply do not matter or that we are not good enough becomes reinforced within our system – until we learn to recognize the pattern and tend to the part of us that experienced this trauma. This cycle of self‑blame is well‑documented in trauma research, especially among individuals whose trauma stems from chronic emotional deprivation rather than overt abuse (Norman et al., 2012).

Presentations of those who have experienced emotional neglect may include: Difficulty naming and expressing what we want (our preferences, likes and dislikes) People pleasing and co‑dependent tendencies – becoming overly involved and consumed with other people’s feelings, life and what they want over our own needs. Experiencing feelings of anxiety and extreme worry about letting others see us be upset Distrust that others will accept us exactly as we are (may look like masking and performative behaviours that are not really aligned with who we authentically are) Hyper‑independence – leading to exhaustion and/or burnout These patterns align with research showing that emotional neglect is associated with alexithymia, chronic self‑silencing, fear of rejection, and over‑reliance on self‑sufficiency as a protective strategy (Pechtel & Pizzagalli, 2011; Widom et al., 2018).

Creating new genuine experiences for ourselves is most achievable and sustainable by cultivating a relationship with ourselves and the parts of us that experienced emotional neglect. Deepening our learning about what is happening inside ourselves and building confidence in recognizing our own wants, needs and allowing ourselves to feel our own feelings in our body starts the process of shifting internal patterns that are no longer helpful. Therapeutic research supports this: practices that increase emotional awareness, self‑attunement, and internal validation are shown to repair the effects of emotional neglect and strengthen secure attachment within oneself (Khoury et al., 2025).

References

Infurna, F. J., et al. (2026). Childhood emotional maltreatment and trauma‑related disorders: A multilevel meta‑analysis. Khoury, L., et al. (2025). Childhood trauma and neurodevelopment: A systematic review. Kim, J., & Cicchetti, D. (2010). Attachment, emotion regulation, and psychopathology in maltreated children. Norman, R. E., et al. (2012). The long‑term effects of childhood maltreatment: A meta‑analytic review. Pechtel, P., & Pizzagalli, D. A. (2011). Effects of early life stress on cognitive and affective function. Widom, C. S., et al. (2018). Childhood neglect and adult functioning: A prospective study.